Episode 24
[00:00:00] Welcome to The Be About Being Better podcast, where we help people make evidence based sustainable. Small changes for their health that compounded the huge shifts towards a better, more vibrant life. I'm your host Abbie Stasior, a health and life coach, future registered dietician, a master's graduate from Columbia University, and a certified intuitive eating counselor.
And I believe that we can't make lasting or meaningful change single handedly. So I'm so happy that you're here so that together you can see that a diet free, sustainable lifestyle is possible, and you can leverage that to live a better life. And remember my disclaimer, This podcast is meant to give you general information.
And it's not meant to substitute or replace medical advice, a diagnosis or serve as treatment.
Abbie: Hello. Hello, y'all. Welcome back to The Bee about being Better podcast. We're just gonna dive right into it. Today I'm gonna talk about how to bounce back from a breakup because I've mentioned it in a few episodes, but I haven't dove into the story yet. But we're gonna be talking about my, my recent breakup.
And I knew that I needed to talk about it soon because y'all have been worried. I have been flooded with the dms, like, Hey, are y'all still together? Hey, haven't seen content with you and your boyfriend. You know, what's going on with you two? Or like, I wasn't sure if you two had broken up or not, because you seem really happy.
You seem like you're thriving. So didn't, didn't know the situation. Uh, so I felt like I needed to come on and, and explain, but I was also, wait. To come on and to talk about this. Cause I needed to process. I'm, I'm still processing and, you know, break up some relationships, especially when you're natting someone, like we are almost together for two years.
So this takes a significant time to process and so I'm still working through things, but I also wanted to wait to come on until I had. Some tangible lessons. We're all about tangible tips here at the B about being better podcast, but I wanted something to be able to offer, like, I know y'all want the tea and we'll get into some of that, but.
I wanna be able to offer you all something because I know that there are so many of you right now that are in a relationship that you know in your gut doesn't feel right. I know some of you just got out of a relationship and you're looking for, how do I work through that? Well, what do I do? And some of you have been following me since I went through my first breakup back in 2019 where I left.
I was living in New Jersey with my ex at the time, and we were together for five. So we broke up and then, then that's when I moved to Manhattan. Which that breakup story is an Instagram I wasn't alive that I did, but it's not my Instagram. Like can you scroll back in my videos? It's around, I don't know exactly what month, but It's in 2019 or like very early 2020, like before the pandemic. Anyway, that story is there. When I moved to Manhattan, I felt like I dove right into the dating life and. , I was in a new city. I had just started my master's program. I had never really had a traditional dating life because I was graduated from college and now I was single and, and I was on the apps and I made my profile and it was fun.
And y'all know, I shared all my crazy dating stories on Instagram and it was, it was such a fun time. It was wild, it was crazy. And uh, I had so many fun stories and I had so much fun sharing those stories with. But this breakup this season feels very different. I don't feel called to do that. I don't feel very motivated to get on any apps or do anything like that, and no shade to the apps.
I mean, that's how I found my most recent X We met on Bumble sweat. It is, I mean, that's how you, you meet people nowadays and that's also how you meet people in a global pandemic. Hello. So, No shade to that, but I, this just feels like a different breakup. I just feel so called to turn inward and spend time with myself and just kind of keep my head down and like literally be in a cocoon.
And I'm gonna be honest. It feels so good. And the energy that y'all are sensing for me online where you're like, she together or she single or she seems almost too happy if she just went through a breakup. It's like, I have peace. That doesn't really make any sense, but I do have a very strong sense of peace right now and I really like the environment that I'm in.
So I, I've moved out, I'm in my new apartment and there's just a good energy here. And it, I think it's all coming from my pink velvet couch. It is just so me, it's so girly. Like I just am obsessed. I, I love, anyway, so I have very good energy in my apartment, um, and. I think I have a strong sense of peace because over the last several years since my first breakup, back in 2019, like that was significant.
I did not initiate that. That really came outta the blue. I really thought I was gonna marry that person. Um, that really threw me for a loop. Since then, and throughout the pandemic, I have gotten closer and closer to my faith. I've really embraced my spirituality and I can trust. That everything is happening for me and everything is happening in perfect timing, and everything is happening on purpose.
So I think that's why I have this kind of peace. Now that doesn't make any sense because I know, hey, if, if it doesn't work out the way that I intended it to, I either am going, or in a relationship like you're either gonna get the result that you want or the lesson that you. So this last relationship that I was in, no, it didn't work out.
No, it didn't lead to marriage. And when I say quote unquote, working out my definition of that would be leading to marriage. Cuz I, I thought I was gonna marry that person too. So it's either, you know, we get the result that we want or the lesson that we needed. So I can feel good about this ending. I can still smile through the feeling, the negative feelings that I'm feeling I can hold both of those things because I know that I'm gonna get the lessons that I need to be able to move forward and really step into the person that I'm supposed to be, or better myself for the person that I'm meant to be with longer term and the person that I am supposed to marry. So I think that faith and that a ability to trust.
is what's really helping me through, through this breakup season right now. So, , we broke up over the holidays and, from what the relationship advice books I've read podcasts have listened to married people I've talked to. Marriage does not fix things. Marriage amplifies things. So if you are progressing to the next step of your relationship, whether that's getting engaged, you're married, or moving in together and expecting things to get better because you've moved to that next life stage, it's not the case.
It's only going to amplify. either the things in you that are unsettled, whether that's inner child wounding or parent wounding, or just different triggers that you have, or limiting beliefs that are within you or insecurities that you have, problems that you have in your relationship. Resentments like what?
Whatever's kind of brewing in you. It is all going to be amplified every time you moved into that next stage. It's not going to fix things, and dating can give you the data that you need. in order to see are we going to be successful in the next stage? And for me, I felt like I had enough data where I was willing to move in with this person and my now ex, but the data that I collected during our time living together, and we lived together a little bit in New York and then a little bit in Nashville, that was enough data for me to say, I don't feel c. Moving into the next step, and we're just kind of at that age. Y'all like, I'm 27 and he had just turned 30.
It's like we're at that age, like if we don't see marriage, if that's not in the card's, like let's not waste each other's time and it's okay. The relationship kind of ran its course. We realized, you know, if marriage isn't in the cards and this isn't really what we want, what we're both not really looking for, then that's okay.
So ended up being. Very amicable, and I'm so grateful for that because we could both logically see, you know what? When we really take a step back, when we're really honest with ourselves, let's look at the data. Let's be a little bit more objective. . This isn't leading to what we want. This isn't making us how we feel, how we want.
We're not able to support each other in the way that both of us need. And we had been through so many different things and we've been going through a move we both have had fam over the course of our relationship, both had family members pass away, job changes and financial struggles and health things.
We've had so many different situations where we've had to learn how to support each other and opportunities to support each other and have conversations like, Hey, this just happened. If this ever happens again, then we gotta change things because I, I didn't feel supported or I had this unmet need.
And so if you're able to have those types of productive conversations and then things don't change, you can, you, you just collect enough data where you just see, you know, this, this isn't working out, and that's. because it's all part of the larger plan. So I'm very grateful. Cause I know every breakup situation.
I'm sure y'all are going through stuff right now where you're like, I wish it was amicable, but it was not. It was nothing but volatile. Um, and that's kind of how I almost felt in my first breakup. It was just, it really caught me off guard. I was very upset. I was so emotional and I. Just felt different now, um, in, in this situation.
Cause I could really trust that we did everything that we could to, to try and make things work, but ultimately just not the right fit long term. And that's okay. And I wish you the best and, and you move forward. So there are a couple things that I've done in that I would suggest. For y'all to do. If you're going through a breakup right now, or if you know someone who's going through a breakup, please share.
This episode will be going through a breakup. what are some things that, that you can do? The first thing is to turn inward. This is the time to make yourself the main character of your life because you may have, in your relationship, gotten your priorities twisted a little bit, where maybe the other person.
Was, was the priority. The other person always came first. You were always tending to their needs, worrying about them, and you've neglected yourself in the process. So you gotta give yourself that energy back. You, you gotta, you gotta make yourself the main character of the life, of your life. So what can you do?
I want you to start to journal about this. What are some things that you could. To let yourself up. What are some things that you used to do? If you think back to a time when you were happy where you were in a flow state and you just felt, you just felt yourself, what were you doing at that time?
What was your morning routine like? What were your hobbies? What friends were you hanging out with? What were, what were you doing? How were you speaking to yourself? How much time alone were you spending with yourself? Probably not enough. I feel like we never spent enough time. But I want you to turn in inward and I want you to think what lights you up?
And if you think about, okay, what are the feelings that I wanna generate? What can I actually do each day? That that would generate those feelings and start to incorporate those things into your day. And with that, I would encourage y'all, strongly encourage, I would empower you all to slow down. There's definitely a tendency with a breakup to.
Just do all of the things and fill your calendar. It's like, okay, I'm not seeing this person, so I just need to look like I'm busy and I'm thriving and I'm doing all these things and I don't need them because I'm, I'm with, I'm hanging out with my friends, or I'm going on dates and well see. I can move on.
I don't need you. I think there's a tendency to, to do that and try and like one up the other person. You gotta let that go. Gotta let that go. You need to turn inward. You need to like be in a cocoon and as someone that's in a cocoon right now, kind of prepping for my next metamorph. I feel great. It feels so good to just like, ugh it.
I think the piece that y'all are seeing, cause I've gotten so many damns, so like, wow, your energy just seems so good and you seem so happy. You seem more yourself. Yeah, I do feel more myself because I'm spending time actually connecting with myself and spending time alone, spending quality time.
It's taking myself out on dates, like all of the things that maybe you wanted to see in your relationship. You know, would have allowed you to feel more connected and more appreciated, and more validated, more supported. Do those things to yourself. Have quality conversations by yourself. Have quality time with yourself.
Take yourself out on dates. Give yourself that positive affirmation. Celebrate yourself. Be alone with yourself. Watch your show with yourself. Like do all of those things. that you would want to see and do in a relationship. Do those to yourself first because you need to find self-love. We can't really love another person unless we love ourselves and how we love ourselves teaches other people in the future how to love us.
So this is so important. So you gotta practice these skills now and it's gonna feel awkward, especially if you're somebody that's go, go, go. Or like someone that's like always been in a relationship. Like you need to be comfortable spending time by yourself. and one thing that I've had to work on is spending time by myself without listening to anything and just being in the silence.
And that was really awkward at first. Um, or even like not doing anything, like even just, I sat on my couch yesterday morning and I just had a cup of coffee. Y'all know that. I'm like obsessed with my espresso machine now. I know it's just these little pods, but I'm like obsessed with my lattes every morning.
It's the highlight of my day and I just absolutely love it. . And normally I like listen to a podcast or I read a book or I'm watching dance bombs. I'm always watching dance bombs while I'm sipping my coffee or I'm reading something and I just said, you know what? I don't wanna consume right now. I really just wanna be, and I just wanna sit here and like breathe for a couple minutes as I finish my coffee.
And I was like, wow. I don't even know if I've ever done. , like, yes, I've sat and had a cup Cup. I normally like journaling or just doing something else or listening, and it was so peaceful. It was a little uncomfortable at first, the first couple minutes, like I tell my thoughts for racing and I was kind of looking around at like all the furniture and thinking about the furniture or things that I wanna get for my apartment still, and, and I just, I kept.
Bringing attention to my, my breathing. It's like, okay, I'm just these thoughts. I'm not gonna like think about these thoughts. I'm not really gonna acknowledge 'em and just kind of let them flow through and just bring attention to my breath and slowing down and bringing attention to really my coffee and sipping that and enjoying that and what does this taste like and how does it feel, and how do I feel versus all these other thoughts and just trying to quiet myself down.
And so that's what I would suggest. Just be, I think that's so important. Benefits are gonna come from that. You're gonna get ideas, you're gonna have insights, things are gonna start coming to you, and it's gonna help you reconnect with yourself. So turn inward, and if you're looking for some personal development books, I can recommend some in the show notes.
But one book of poetry that really helped me is, it's called chameleon Aura. . Chameleon Aura by Billy Chapada. I love all of Billy Chip's books. It's really short, like, it's not like long form poetry. It's like a, a poignant Instagram caption or like a carousel post where you're like, oh, that's so like Instagramable
Like, you'd post that to your story as like an inspirational quote and all of that in Chameleon Aura by Billy Chapada that. Helps me through every single breakup that I've ever written, and it just helps me to reconnect with myself and find self-love. So that'll give you some ideas too. That's one book that I would really, really recommend.
And also, I think Brendan Burchard's, he has a YouTube video, probably a podcast episode with it too. But I always watch the YouTube version. Uh, I can link that in the show notes. Brendan Bouchard's had to get over a breakup. He has this phase one, phase two analogy. About how to get over work that I have found really helpful, and he will reinforce you as well.
The need to turn inward and focus on yourself. This needs to be a season about you and putting that priority back on top. The next thing that I would suggest is that you gotta foster friendships. I realized this after my first big breakup that I was like, wow. I was so consumed in that relationship that I had totally neglect.
uh, like all of my friends, and I'm like, I, I feel like I don't have any friends. Like, yes, of course I had friends, but I, I was like the friends that I have, I don't have relationships with the friends that I have that I would want. I wanted deeper, higher quality friendships. So focus your energy on those.
If yes, first you need to focus your energy on yourself. And B, but I would also encourage you to spend more time with friends and. Lean on them and reconnect with them. And that will help you now feel alone in this, in this process. And with that, I also recommend that you get back to some hobbies. I love to dance and one thing that I did when I moved to New York, and I'm planning on doing that soon now in Nashville, is, I reconnected with dance and I started, I started signing up for dance classes when I was in New York and that was so fulfilling and it was a great outlet for.
and I just felt more myself getting back to my hobbies. So I've started to have my own dance parties here in my apartment, which is so great. I have a little trampoline and um, I just listen to really good music and that makes me feel really powerful. I can link up my Spotify playlist too. Like, let's bring those vibes. Just like have dance parties, like just reconnect, get out of your head into your body, but also reconnect your hobbies.
Like dance for me is such a great outlet and how I feel connected and how can I can express myself. , but you might need something different. Like you might need painting, you might need, I don't know, learning another language if travel is a hobby of yours and you wanna go somewhere and you wanna pick up another language.
So I don't know, uh, I don't know what your hobby is, but I would say reconnect with your hobbies and what lights you up. And then I would recommend getting, getting some. I have a really good therapist here in Nashville and he really encouraged me. He was like, I want you to write down all of the things in your last relationship that gave you the ick, that bugged you, that you didn't like, and just brain dump all of those things.
and I'm like, sir. And he's like, we'll go through them in our next session. And I was like, sir, I gotta list of like 35 things. I'm like, oh, we're gonna need more than one session. He's like, no. Okay. We're gonna take it one at a time. We'll do this over time. And he said, I do wanna go through them line item by line item and have a deeper conversation about it.
Why did that trigger you? Why did that bother you? Where does that come. . And for your future partner, like what, what qualities would you need to look for? Like based off of that scenario, what do you value? And then with the next person, whenever that person comes up into your life, how would you be able to assess that quality in them?
How would you know that they have that value? Or what would that look like? Or what's a conversation that you could have with them earlier on to kind of set that expectation? And then going back to that scenario, like with my ex, it's like, why did that bother me? All of the conversations that I've had with my therapist so far have been like, he's had to remind me several times.
It's an, it's an annoying at this point, but I'm grateful for it. Relationships are a mirror. It's a mirror into what unmet need. I have something that's triggering me, something that I need to address, has, I don't, I don't wanna say has nothing to do with the other person, but very little to do with the other person.
Much more about. So what do I need to fix within myself so that I can either communicate my needs, like I need to identify what the unmet need is. Why am I reacting in this scenario? Why do I feel triggered right now? Why do I feel agitated? What is that unmet need? And then how do I communicate that in a kind, mature way to that other person?
or how do I fix that within myself and then see like, are they able to meet my need or can, can we work something out to try and figure out how we're both kind of getting both of our needs met in this situation? So those are the types of things I'm working on in therapy right now and that is so helpful.
I feel like I'm really processing this breakup and getting nitty gritty with it and, and really healing, and that feels so good. And it, it makes me and not feel sad about the breakup, cuz I'm able to really extract these lessons and I feel like I'm growing as a person and growing my like relationship IQ and also my emotional iq.
I think I'm just like really healing a lot of like inner trial trauma and things like that. And so I recommend therapy. Uh, I really do. I think it's, it's, it's what we need because relationships really are a mirror. What we're missing or what we need within ourselves, and we need to step up and fill those voids and not look to external things, not look to our relationships or external people to try and fill those voids.
We have to fill those by ourselves first, and then our relationships, the people that we're with, elevate our experience. Elevate us. And add value to our lives, not get us, fill us to a baseline, they elevate us. So that's the difference there. So that's what I'm working through right now.
And. , and I'm really excited. So I just hope that as you're listening to this, and if you're going through a breakup too, that you remember, and you're able to trust that everything is happening for you, and it's happening in perfect timing. And for me, where I sit with my faith, th that's God's timing and his timing is perfect.
And I was actually a church this morning, and this sermon inspired me to do this podcast episode now. and I felt like, okay, I'm actually really ready to talk about this and to do a podcast episode talking about my breakup because of this sermon. And we're going into a 14 week series so long, uh, at my church, but the series is called like Lemonade, how to have a Refreshing Faith In, in a Thirsty World.
That's kind of the tagline and I'm like, okay, okay pastor, I see you, uh, trying to be like, you know, with the Len. But he talked about today kind of setting the stage for the series. And the series is all about like finding, finding your purpose. And he talked about how life gives you lemons and then we make lemonade.
We know this saying, it's been said to us many, many times, something we're very familiar with, but we get upset. When we get those lemons and what really is required of that before we get the lemonade, and if we're so focused on the end result, the vision for our lives that we have, hitting the goals, having the perfect house, having the perfect marriage, like if we hold so tightly to this end vision.
All of the things in our daily lives that lead up to that won't make sense. And we'll discredit it. And we'll discard it cuz we're like, oh, well this doesn't look like my end result. I, in my little pea size brain, don't think that this is going to morph into this end result that I want. That seems like it's taking me in a different direction.
This doesn't seem like it's benefiting me, so I'm not gonna value that. I'm not gonna appreciate that. Or so we end up discrediting these things where we need to realize, no, no, no. Do you realize the complexity of lemonade? It's sour, it's sweet, it's tart, it's refreshing. It's so satisfying. Like it, it has a pretty complex flavor profile, lemonade, and that's because lemons are sour.
It's not all just sugar. Yes, there's sugar to make it sweet, but lemons are also sour. So when we're given lemon, in that sour, we shouldn't discredit it. So when sour things are happening in our lives where we're in a season, that sour, don't discredit it and smile through it because you know, oh, this is part of the lemonade, and a lemon tree comes from the dirt.
So when we have seeds for that tree that are in the. There are some seasons where we're like, I'm in the dirt. Like I, I, nobody can see me. Like nobody knows my idea. Nobody knows my brand. Nobody knows I exist. Like, and it's like, okay, but you're in the ground building roots. No, no one can see you yet, but the keyword is yet you are going to bloom into something magnificent.
But you're growing right now. You're building your foundation, you're building the roots. Be patient. . So don't stress about being in the dirt right now. Don't stress about being unseen. So when you're in your singleness right now and you're in your cocoon, yeah, it, it's okay to not be seen right now. You don't need to get in front of a bunch of single people right now to put yourself out there.
You're growing, you're gonna have that metamorphosis. You're gonna blossom into a more mature person who's ready for. Next relationship and the person that you're gonna be in the relationship with next is working on themselves right now and going through the life experiences they need to be ready for you.
So don't discredit being in the dirt. Don't see it as a disadvantage or something. You need to just work through really fast so that you can bloom. It's like, no, no, no. This is intentional. This is happening on purpose so that you can grow and develop. Into what you need that is eventually going to bloom the tree, make those lemons and add to the lemonade.
And lastly, with that tree analogy, with the lemons, there are leaves on those trees and those leaves are plucked that we can get the lemons. And we get upset when things leave our lives, when people leave our lives. But those leaves need to go away. There are things in our lives that need to.
And it doesn't make sense at the time, but we don't need to make it make sense, . That's why I think it's so important to have belief and a higher power too, because you can just trust that, you know, like I just trust that God has a plan for me and that everything's gonna be okay. Um, and it's, I can't even like fathom the plan.
I don't know what things are working or what the larger plan is, um, or how this instance or this scenario plays into the larger picture, but I just know it's playing into the larger picture and that's okay. So that's why you can smile through these scenarios of people leaving or you being in the dirt or having a sour season because it's all contributing to the.
it's all going to be part of that complex flavor profile where some of it is sweet and some of it's sour, and that that's something that's an experience that a lot of people can relate to. Nobody's all sweet all the time. Nobody has a, you know, perfect life that's just great all the time. There's a sweet and the sour, and you don't appreciate the sweet, you don't appreciate the good in your life unless you've also had the sour, so, That really hit me today.
That was Mm. So if you're interested in hearing that summer too, I can link that up in the show notes. We're gonna have so much in the show notes, so many, so many resources, but I just wanna equip you all, whatever you need in your growth season, in your single, in the season or your breakup season.
Um, just know that I'm going through it with you and if you have any resources or suggest or suggestions for me in our community, please like, send them my way. Send me on Instagram and we'll get those out to people. Um, thank you so much. I appreciate you listening. I appreciate you all being patient.
Obviously my posting. Has looked different. My enrollment for programs has looked a little different in the season as I've been moving and figuring myself out. But um, I feel really good now and I feel really hopeful for the future. So I appreciate the support and thank you for listening to this episode.
And thank you for sharing this episode with other people in your life that may need it. See you soon.
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